Story

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Story

Post by Seshtah on Tue Oct 09, 2007 3:30 pm

Got you! XD
I'll put one up later ok? I'm so tiiiiired =_= and I'm supposed to be doing homework right now so...

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Re: Story

Post by Alucard-evil on Tue Oct 09, 2007 7:28 pm

Lol, Sesh you're da best XD

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Re: Story

Post by Seshtah on Wed Oct 10, 2007 6:18 am

Yeah, I know lol
Do you want me to just post whatever I was going to next or the entire story? (Well, what you've read of the entire story. I'm talking about the "Flame Within" one. With Riven.)

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Re: Story

Post by Seshtah on Wed Oct 10, 2007 8:51 am

I can't 'member if I've shown this to you yet so I'll post it...'cuz I can...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Let me out!" Her scream echoed around the walls, mocking her.

"Please! I've done nothing wrong! I only wanted to find my brother!” Her plea was softer this time and again, only her echo answered. She collapsed to her knees, shaking with a mixture of fear and cold, ebony bangs falling into her hazel green eyes. She closed her eyes as if to block the panic that was starting to overwhelm her and her mind wound back to how she'd gotten here...

"Kiya, your mind must be elsewhere! That bucket is full!"

"Huh?" Kiya looked down and hastily drew her bucket from the river, sending an apologetic glance to Mira.

"Sorry I was just worried about--"

"About Darm, I know." Mira straitened amusement dancing in her eyes, "He'll be home soon enough, but for now, you’d best get on with your chores."


A loud sound caused Kiya to open her eyes with a snap, trying to see in the darkness that shrouded the rocky walls of this dungeon. "Kiya?" a weak voice called out

"Darm!" Kiya scrambled to her feet and groped her way over to where her brother lay on the cold stone floor. She held him close until he gasped, "Kiya, you're strangling me!"

"Darm? Why are you down here, and why the hell am I down here?"

"Let's just say, they weren't happy when they discovered a peasant had gotten so close to being a full knight." Darm said coughing slightly.

Both Mira and Kiya had looked up at the sound of hoof beats on the road. A party of men charged towards the village bearing the local lord's colors. Hoping Darm was among them, Kiya picked up her skirts and ran, trying to minimize the amount of water spilled while wanting to go as fast as possible. The riders beat her to the village and by the time she dropped the bucket off at Mira's hut, a crowd had gathered around the riders and their horses. "Kiya! You need to hide!" an urgent voice whispered,

"Huh?"

Irmel's dark eyes met hers intently, "They learned about Darm's heritage and I fear they may be looking for--"

"There she is!" a deep voice said from behind them and Irmel gave her a helpless glance before melting into the crowd of peasants. "You're Darm's younger sister aren't you?"

"Yes." Kiya said nervously, tucking a strand of hair that had escaped from her braid behind her ear.

"You're coming with us."


"So they showed their displeasure by beating you?" Kiya asked. Darm's silence confirmed her statement, "But that is stupid, I've heard some amazing things about your talents and--"

"Kiya, it doesn't matter how good or bad you are, what matters is your social rank, you have to stay put. A peasant will never become a knight and a merchant won't become king." Darm's voice was soft but weather it was because it hurt to talk or because it was bitterness that softened it, Kiya didn't know.

Kiya had never ridden on a horse before and the experience was both terrifying and wonderful. She got to the castle and was lead by a handful of the riders down a flight of stairs. "In here love." one of them said, opening the door for her. She went in and saw a big room made of stone, with other passages leading away from it and had a little bit of straw littered on the floor before the door slammed shut behind her, and darkness overcame her.

"So what are we going to do?"

"Do?" Darm coughed, "Stay alive, that's what we're going to do. As far as I know, they've left us to rot down here. It's my fault for being stupid enough to have even attempted to become a knight and you're sharing the blame on that one it seems. We'll get out of here Kiya, I swear we will."

Those were the last words Darm ever spoke. At first, Kiya thought he'd fallen asleep but she no longer heard him breathing and the horrible truth sank in, they had beaten him to death for following a dream and daring to challenge the social order...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anything I should fix?

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Re: Story

Post by Seshtah on Fri Oct 19, 2007 6:26 am

*whines* guys! Are you not giving me feed back because it sucks so much there's not any words for it or what? =(

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Re: Story

Post by Alucard-evil on Sun Oct 21, 2007 3:38 pm

well Sesh, here's the feedback you wanted...firstly, you know Sesh, it's not the best place to ask for feedback, at least until we get more ppl. Secondly, I like old times stories, but with magic :] or at least not so dark. Your mind expressed perfectly and story is readable, if counting in 10 points, you get all of them for that, but you got probs in MAKING readers understand, what do you mean 7, I think. It's not fantastics, middle age preferably and kinda "NO BEGINNING" freaks me out, 6 for it. No grammatical mistakes, that totally good :] well to sum everything up, your story is not so bad, but I lurv happy endings XD your - not ><

Good Job Sesh, C'MON make me read one more XD bounce lol!

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Re: Story

Post by Nosferatu_Shinigami on Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:39 pm

ebony bangs falling into her hazel green eyes. She closed her eyes as if to block the panic that was starting to overwhelm her

I'd change the secound eyes to just 'them' Smile That's word repeating Razz

Mira straitened amusement dancing in her eyes

doesn't it need a coma after 'straitened'?

Overall the story is great Smile After what Alucard sid, I thought it would be really dark and depressive, but I've seen way worse, and this one was rather.. mild. And that's good, because too much darkness and depression can ruin a story Smile Other than the two above 'mistakes' I didn't find anything. The story doesn't go on, and bore the reader. Ot's interesting, and makes you want more. But I think the ending was too.. sudden. One moment he was talking to her, and promising to get them out, the secound he was dead. Usualy, people can feel if they are going to die, so it just seamed strange. If I might suggest something, it would look better, if he just fell asleap, and the next 'day' when she woke up, she found him dead. It is kind of usual that badly hurt people don't last the night Smile

As I said the story is great, and I'd give it 9 out of 10. Very Happy I wanna see more! Will there be more, Sesh? Very Happy WIll the girl seak revange on the knights that killed her brother? More! bounce

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Re: Story

Post by Alucard-evil on Sun Oct 21, 2007 6:58 pm

OH YOU!!!! You didn't cared until I feedbacked XD *hugs Shinie* love ya anyway :] and I quite agree with Shinie XD btw make more magic in continue XD MORE MORE MORE MAGIC! Sorry, caps sickness XD

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Re: Story

Post by Seshtah on Sun Nov 11, 2007 6:42 am

Nosferatu_Shinigami wrote: I wanna see more! Will there be more, Sesh? Very Happy WIll the girl seak revange on the knights that killed her brother? More! bounce

er guys? It's called a SHORT stpry for a reason...that's it...

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Re: Story

Post by Seshtah on Mon Nov 19, 2007 7:49 pm

Hey lookie! New story XD

Yush, there's lots of magic with different races and all that crap. Enjoy ;D

Prologue

“Admit it Thetis, there is nothing you can do. Surrender and they may spare your life!”

Relin’s voice carried over the sounds of fighting. Thetis was a green robed whirlwind, her glaive parrying, thrusting and striking, seemingly all at once. But there were many of the soldiers and only one of her, and she was beginning to tire.

“Let me live? You must be joking my old apprentice! They’ll hang my head either in the palace where the Emperor can look upon it or on the city gates where he won’t have to, depending on what his mistresses ask of him. And to think that I’ve never used my magic for anything that wouldn’t help the Empire!”

She kicked yet another soldier back and he nearly sprawled into Relin who stepped to the side just in time to avoid being fallen on.

“Perhaps you should have thought of that before you-”

“Refused to become the Emperor’s pet battle mage and help him conquer our neighbors? Refuse to aid a tyrant and his desires to spread waste and destruction so as to add to his already vast empire while he plays with his toy whores?”

Her face twisted and she began fighting harder as she was spurned on by this new thought.

“You’ll pay for that!”

Snapped Relin

“Oh I will? I’ll just lay down my glaive and come quietly shall I? I. Think. NOT!”

Thetis raised her voice and began to chant in a strange tongue that made all the trees rustle their leaves despite the fact there was no wind. The words sounded ancient and had the force of a tolling bell, the air beginning to pulse with magic.

Relin began to chant too, but his old teacher was stronger than he. There was a green flash and all the soldiers that had been fighting her were thrown to the ground. The few still standing tried to find the earth sorcerers but Relin turned his back on them, knowing Thetis had left.

She was gone from the Almsare Empire, probably for good. The Emperor would not be too happy but he needed him too much so his punishment would not be too severe.

Besides, Relin had his own plans, plans that needed Thetis alive…for the moment anyways. She would help him find a certain child.

Unwitting help was always the most amusing to use, the look upon your enemies’ face was always worth the careful planning. He called the soldiers off and mounted the white stallion that waited patently by the trees.

Meanwhile, in the neighboring empire of Balin, the child of whom he was thinking of was born…

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Re: Story

Post by Alucard-evil on Mon Nov 19, 2007 8:18 pm

wow, you know...I even felt like I'm there and that I see everyone, great story. Just one little suggestion or maybe I'd better call it request...anyway, please stop centering your tales, it just freaks me off >< and could you write without those pescy spaces between lines? Please!

Keep up the good work Sesh!

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Re: Story

Post by Nosferatu_Shinigami on Tue Nov 20, 2007 3:13 am

Wow, awsome Sesh! Very Happy The fighting scene was great! I enjoyed it, and am waiting for more Smile

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Re: Story

Post by Seshtah on Tue Nov 20, 2007 4:39 am

Dos this mean I get cookies now?

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Re: Story

Post by Nosferatu_Shinigami on Tue Nov 20, 2007 5:15 pm

Hmmm... oh, ok ^___^ *gives Sesh a cookie*

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Re: Story

Post by Seshtah on Tue Nov 20, 2007 7:42 pm

woot! ^^

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Re: Story

Post by Nosferatu_Shinigami on Wed Nov 21, 2007 1:49 am

xDDDDD *munches on cookies* Kitty still is baned from them... but if he behaves... he might get them back... soon... *munch munch*

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Re: Story

Post by Seshtah on Sat Nov 24, 2007 12:49 am

ha ha kitty ^^

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Re: Story

Post by Seshtah on Sat Nov 24, 2007 12:56 am

Happy (late) Thanksgiving guys XD lookie what I wrote you!

7 years later…

A shadow stole into the village, bare feet making little noise on the hard packed earth. Carefully, it made its way to the well, which lay in the center of the village square. A small clay jar was removed from the interior of the rags hiding the figure’s body and face and placed it upon the very edge of the well as they began to lower the bucket into the shadowy depths.

The figure had just filled the jar and was beginning to creep away again when the tavern door opened and light poured out of it, catching the figure off guard.

“You! How dare you come back to our village after what you did!”

More people emerged from the smoky interior and desperately the figure turned to flee but its hood was grabbed and pulled back to reveal a girl child’s face. She appeared to be about seven or so, explaining why she had seemed so small. Short, untamed silvery hair fell around her porcelain face, creating an interesting mix, but her most striking features were her eyes. Pale blue, they were almost white and were far older than any child’s eyes should have been.

“What are you doing back here?” Merciless words and stares began to circulate through the small crowd that was beginning to from.

“She has gone too far this time, I caught her attempting to poison the well!” Shouted the man who held her in his grasp, shaking her and causing spots to dance across the child’s eyes.

“No I wasn’t I was--” the girl started

A hand struck her across the face, a red mark appearing on her cheek.

“Liar” He hissed, holding her up by the scruff of her neck. Her jar of water was wrenched from her fingers and smashed on the ground, its contents slowly sinking into the earth.

“What was that?” he demanded

“Water I drew from the well.” she whimpered,

“And what were you going to do with that water?”

“Drink it…”

“Ha!”

“I wouldn’t poison the well, I swear by all the gods!” she pleaded desperately tears forming in her eyes. She was struck again and she cried out in pain,

“How dare you sully the name of the gods with your filthy mouth!” the man raised his voice again.

“We must cleanse the village and kill the demon by sending her back through the fire from where she came!” Yells of assent followed this statement.

“No!” the child screamed. “Please! I’ve never done anything wrong! Please!”

No one paid any attention to her until--

“Enough!”

Shouted a strange voice. Before most of the villagers had registered this, a figure cloaked in white with green bands at the hem of the robe and sleeves had gone halfway through their midst.

“Who are you?”

The hood was removed and a woman with long ebony hair and green eyes stared her questioner down

“I am a priestess of Ildia and this child is no demon.”

Silence met her words, as Ildia was the goddess of all things living and her priestess were respected by all those who did not wish the wrath of the goddess of life and fertility.

“She is a demon, she killed the couple who took her in!” The man cried causing the priestess to raise a brow, “Oh? How? She seems to be but a child to me.”

“She sent a sickness to our village and--”

The priestess shook her head,

“You blame an abandoned child for a sickness? If she truly had this power, I think she would have killed all of you by now.”

“Our faith in the gods is strong.” the man said as if this was an obvious answer,

“So strong that you would kill an innocent little girl?”

The priestess’s voice was sad, “As it seems there is no place for here I shall take her back to the temple where she will be cared for.”

“But-” he started

“Do you wish to challenge my authority?” There was iron in the priestess's voice that made the girl shiver.

The man hesitated then, “…No priestess.”

Sullenly, he let go of the girl who bit her lip and looked up at the priestess. Gently, the priestess took the child’s hand and knelt down next to her.

“Don’t be afraid.” She whispered and the girl swore a green eye winked at her. Rising once more, the priestess guided the child out of the crowd of villagers who parted before them...

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Re: Story

Post by Nosferatu_Shinigami on Sat Nov 24, 2007 1:16 am

And a happy Thanksgiving to you too! ^__^

Great story! Very Happy Ughhhh... I so wanted to HIT that idiot of a man! >_< *bites him* But anyway, great, and I don't have anything to complain about Wink

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Re: Story

Post by Alucard-evil on Sat Nov 24, 2007 1:44 am

OMG!!!!!!! CONTINUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!! I WANT MORE!!!! Danr, you made me addicted to your story...it's just awesome! NO! It's UBER-HYPER-SUPER AWESOME!!!!!!! No shit I don't like in stories, only that I like :]

P.S. Could you kill someone please in next part? :]

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Re: Story

Post by Seshtah on Sat Nov 24, 2007 5:37 am

^///^ glad you guys like it

Kill someone? *blinks* Maybe in a later chapter o impatient-for-violence-one? XP We'll see m'kay? (translate this as: if I remember when I write it XD lol)

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Re: Story

Post by Seshtah on Thu Nov 29, 2007 8:28 am

(( Hey lookie! Its another update! XP ))

Once they were among the trees, the priestess sighed and faced the child.

“You got yourself into quite a mess didn’t you?”

She continued before a response could be given, “So, what’s your name little one?”

“Demon.”

“No, that’s what the idiots in the village called you, what’s your name?”

“I don’t have one, they just called me ‘girl’ or ‘you’…and Demon.”

“Is there anything you WANT to be called?”

The girl shook her head, hiding behind her bangs. The priestess sighed,

“Well, I’m called Th- I mean Malene.” She studied the girl thoughtfully then said, “What about Riven? Riven…Loore. Do you like that name?”

The child nodded slowly, “I like that name.” she said and Malene smiled, “I’m glad…Riven.”

She looked up and whistled. A bush rustled nearby and the girl, Riven, turned expecting to see the villagers but a gray mare appeared in the foliage and made its way over to Malene. “This is probably a dumb question but, can you ride?”

Riven shook her head, a worried look on her face.

“I’m sorry.” She started but Malene shook her head, “Don’t apologize, when have you had the opportunity to learn?”

Riven looked doubtful, and Malene sighed. “Do you honestly think I’m going to punish you for something you’ve never learned to do?”

“They did back in the village.” Riven said quietly and Malene looked at her sharply, “What?”

“They…they beat me for it sometimes before I started living in the forest, then it was limited to the times they managed to catch me when I was getting water.” Riven said, voice still quiet but she was sending wary glances Malene’s way. “Will you?”

Malene frowned at the question, “Will I what?”

“Beat me?”

“Oh honey…” She knelt down and drew Riven into a hug. Riven flinched before simply standing still, “I will never, ever beat you.” She said, running her fingers through Riven’s silver hair, “I promise in the name of She-who-rules-life, Ildia”

Tentatively, Riven hugged Malene back and a small smile lit the solemn child’s face “Ok” She said softly. “But you should know something.” The smile disappeared and she pulled away from Malene’s embrace.“They were right, I am a demon. I can see and do…impossible things.” She shook her head and Malene frowned,

“What do you mean?”

“I …I can see people who aren’t really here. I tried to tell Moran, the man holding me back there, that I didn’t kill anyone, they just walked away but they were still there.”

She shook her head again,

“I hear things, voices of people I don’t know. They’re in my head and they won’t leave, they talk to me and I don’t want to answer but they grow so loud.”

Tears filled Riven’s eyes but she kept talking.

“Shadows, they press in on me, like dogs that always want to be petted, they like me and when its dark and everyone complains they can’t see, I’m just fine. They shape themselves for me and they talk to me too, but its different, their voices are different…what’s wrong with me?” Her last statement was a plea. Riven looked up, tears streaming down her cheeks, looking eerily like a crying, ragged angel. Malene smiled despite the strange since of foreboding that was growing inside of her,

“You’re not evil, you have magic, and a strong gift at that. Necromancy and shadow manipulation is what it sounds like.” A text floated to the front of her mind about a child that would control these powers and her eyes widened suddenly. No, it was impossible. Could this little girl be…?

“Let me see your wrist.”

Malene said suddenly and Riven offered her bandaged right arm. The bandages were unwound and her wrist was very bruised, with what seemed to be a black handprint that must be very painful as well as some scratches. There was nothing there. Nothing was on the other wrist either apart from more scratches and bruises. Malene sighed, although weather it was relief or disappointment she was unsure.

“What are you looking for?”

“A mark, a birthmark of sorts but it appears you don’t have one…”

Riven looked troubled for a moment then asked, “Do you mean this?” She sat on the ground and unwound the bandaging on her left foot. Around her ankle twined a black dragon with the five-pointed star in its mouth.

“Yes, I meant that.” Malene said and she sat down at well, smiling distractedly as her horse nuzzled the side of her face.

“What does it mean?”

“It means…” Malene began slowly,

“…That those villagers were stupider than I thought…”

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Re: Story

Post by Alucard-evil on Thu Nov 29, 2007 3:21 pm

OMG! Do you rewrite it from a book or something???? It's so fucking interesting!!! I Like last words the most...
“…That those villagers were stupider than I thought…” LMAO
MORE!!!! *hungry for story*
Just don't push yourself Sesh! Do it when only you can and want

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Re: Story

Post by Seshtah on Sat Dec 01, 2007 8:12 am

nope, all original work XP

Thanks Kitty ^^ oh and trust me, I have a couple fight scenes in mind just not yet...

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Re: Story

Post by Seshtah on Sat Dec 08, 2007 6:52 am

mmmm, to post or not to post, that is the question...there may even be a minor fight in this one... XP

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Re: Story

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